its my birthday

not anymore

(continue from last post)

i look to my father in cluelessness

he begins to translate what she says

“ive missed you so much, do you miss me?”

…..yes

“i love you so much, do you love me?”

“………….”

im always hesitant to answer that question

as i think in my head

my other conscious breaks in

“why the hell do you have to think about this? shes your damn grandmother”

“not by blood though, i barely know this woman in all actuality”

i begin to argue with myself

all in a matter of seconds

“he does.”

my father answers for me

and im ashamed of myself

for ruining such a precious moment

over myself

a few more minutes pass as they begin to reconnect

this time i dont understand anything

ive lost myself at this point

she asks how old i am now

im excited for this one, because you know, its my birthday and all

“im twenty” i say proudly

“youre twenty?” my dad asks

my  mouth opens, this is the third year he’s forgotten my birthday

i sometimes think he is too proud to tell it to me to my face

but i guess he really does forget..

“…its my birthday”

“happy birthday..man, i dont have any money to give you”

“you dont have to worry about that”

my father tells my grandmother its my birthday in vietnamese

she speaks in english for the first time that day

“it your birthday? how come i dont know this, i cant remember” as she sighs in disappointment

i guess grandmothers are suppose to know these things right?

i feel even worse by now..

we arrive at the house, we pull up to the front door

my dad tells me to run out and open the door for her as he parks the car

we get there, i pray the door isnt locked, because i dont have the keys

its unlocked

she takes her shoes off and sets them on the mat outside of the door

“you dont have to do that” i say

she walks inside

im not sure if she heard me or even understood me

but at that moment

i took off my shoes as well

and set them on the mat for the first time

outside the door

last post before that last one

i updated you on the status of my quest to find my grams

mission accomplished

we reunited on my 20th birthday

and that birthday was the best day of my life

lets do a recap instead, i dont feel like sharing my guts on this with you

i woke up…

(fast forward to 2:30pm)

i’m on my way to pick up my grandmother from her apartment in chinatown

my last memories of her were in that apartment, i had no idea where the location of it was, but i knew it was in chinatown

and am not sure if thats the reason i have had such an attraction to the district

im sure its that and much more

were taking airport way instead of i-5

because it started raining

and my dad is a careful driver

he reminds me of it every morning

for my mile-long commute to the tukwila park and ride

where i park the car and ride the metro to school

were not talking, partly because im nervous

and him, im sure hes reluctant of this whole ordeal

Ordeal: A difficult or painful experience, especially one that severely tests character or endurance

why should this be difficult for him? what sort of tests await his character?

because this figure that we were minutes and miles from meeting

this figure, that i had been searching for these past few months

this figure, who i had felt so much guilt for abandoning

is the reason i was raised without a mother

she had told my mother to leave my father because we were broke(n)

dead broke, poor ass immigrant father with two children

ironically, that was the last time any of us had seen her

she left her as much as she left us

my dad told me he had let it go

“……………………its in the past”

we arrive, she lives in the downtowner apartments, just across from the international district metro tunnel

we park on the side, my father reminded me to give her the front seat

because that is a vietnamese tradition of respect

its still raining, i had been hoping for better weather for such an occassion

my dad is honking the hell out of the car

or maybe it seemed that way because of my nervousness

a short frame exits the door

she looks like my aunt from connecticut

just older

no cane, still has hair, holding a leather purse..

a few seconds had passed, i mustve been staring

i rush out the passenger seat and quicly offer it to her as fast i can

to get her out of the rain

she declines it in vietnamese

shes screaming in excitement as she gets into the backseat

i cant see her anymore..

but she grabs my arm from the back

and asks in vietnamese

the one question i understand so fluently

“are you canh? or bao?”

nobody ever gets us right (me and my brother)

“canh.”

my father and her exchange words in vietnamese

i dont understand much

just the excitement she has

and the calmness of my father

(continue later)

thirty is the new twenty?

wow, its been nearly a month since i’ve posted

i tried to convince myself it hadnt been that long, maybe one or two weeks at most

has it really been a month? time mustve gotten the slip on me

where to start, where to start..

im twenty years old now and reluctant to say so

i dont feel any different, but if i break it down into tiny bits of detail, im sure i can full heartedly (and proudly) admit to being a victim of rape…of growing up..

i’ve been raped by time.

im stuck in (a year long) line to become a full fledged adult in every respect

but im not quite there and cannot group myself as a teenager any longer

although i gave up those rights immediately at 18

people have been saying thirty is the new twenty for some time now and i didnt really understand where it had oriented..aside from sexual stimulation

or the fact that people live much longer than they did a decade or two ago (doubt this)

but part of me still thinks this is suppose to be much more than what it currently is

twenty had to be big in any individuals life ten, twenty years ago

it would be the hallmark of life..the stepping stone of maturity, gratitude, respect, and everything else

as if those in this age bracket now arent up to par..and they arent. (im an asshole)

i dont find myself being a superior figure in any regard but part of me worries that the mutual-ness of my friendships have sunken or have already vanished

im sure thats transitional within life, and i should have noticed this in middle and high school

but i had a good set of friends who didnt gossip (and partly because this is much larger than the spectrum of school)

im worried about the american quality of life

and the tangent of the ethnic-american quality of life

yes, it is a tangent..making contact at a single point or along a line; touching but not intersecting.

(i have come to realize how obsessed i was in pursuing the american dream

from being the all star quarter back in high school who dated the head cheerleader and then became prom king

to the black leather jacket greased hair bad-ass who dated the head cheerleader and then beat up the prom king

the best car

the best clothes

the best hair

the success, the tribulations, the respect, the fear, the sex, the purity

essentially being the main character of every american movie made from the 70’s to early 90’s

im not american

im vietnamese american

or asian american

just not american

this should have been introduced to me before entering school with those kinds of people i wanted to so badly replicate

because i wouldnt have drawn myself holding a white boy’s hand standing on the earth all those times

actually, we were all white

because crayola had only made the color “peach” readily avaialble to replicate skin tones in elementary school

i found it disgusting to use yellow or black

brown was too much of an amber red..native-american would be the closest, but there were none in my school

it wouldve allowed me to focus on much more important things

like shading or something?

but i am happy that ive made myself a product of the twisted oxymoronic/contradictions of early american culture) (that was just a side vent)

if thirty is the new twenty, then twenty is the new ten

and thats a damn shame

i could go on and on about how pop-culture has influenced the majority of my generation with this “fault”

but ultimately in the end, you cant blame shit on the media or the government without blaming yourself first

dont worry, alot has happened since that last month i posted

i will sit here all night until i update the handful of you who read this regularly and have been disappointed this past month

Happy Birthday ______?

So i went to this birthday dinner the other night. the food was coo, got to meet family members that i didnt know i had. i didnt even know whos birthday it was.. either great grand-aunt or just grand aunt. but thats besides the point… it was her 110th birthday, yes folks the big 1-1-0. Now I was pretty careful when i went to go say wassup to her and made sure i didnt make any sudden movements and it sucks that i couldnt cake her or any of that fun stuff but i do give her kudos for reaching a milestone that most of us can only imagine. Come to think of it… i dont think i’d ever want to live that long. Anyways.. HAPPY BIRTHDAY yo!

-jenseb aka “youre in the philippines?!?!… but youre chinese.”

Happy 54th Birthday Dad!

The Senior

Its been 54 years, that means you had me when you were 35. There arent enough words I can put in this post, so I wont try to.

Thanks for everything