last post before that last one

i updated you on the status of my quest to find my grams

mission accomplished

we reunited on my 20th birthday

and that birthday was the best day of my life

lets do a recap instead, i dont feel like sharing my guts on this with you

i woke up…

(fast forward to 2:30pm)

i’m on my way to pick up my grandmother from her apartment in chinatown

my last memories of her were in that apartment, i had no idea where the location of it was, but i knew it was in chinatown

and am not sure if thats the reason i have had such an attraction to the district

im sure its that and much more

were taking airport way instead of i-5

because it started raining

and my dad is a careful driver

he reminds me of it every morning

for my mile-long commute to the tukwila park and ride

where i park the car and ride the metro to school

were not talking, partly because im nervous

and him, im sure hes reluctant of this whole ordeal

Ordeal: A difficult or painful experience, especially one that severely tests character or endurance

why should this be difficult for him? what sort of tests await his character?

because this figure that we were minutes and miles from meeting

this figure, that i had been searching for these past few months

this figure, who i had felt so much guilt for abandoning

is the reason i was raised without a mother

she had told my mother to leave my father because we were broke(n)

dead broke, poor ass immigrant father with two children

ironically, that was the last time any of us had seen her

she left her as much as she left us

my dad told me he had let it go

“……………………its in the past”

we arrive, she lives in the downtowner apartments, just across from the international district metro tunnel

we park on the side, my father reminded me to give her the front seat

because that is a vietnamese tradition of respect

its still raining, i had been hoping for better weather for such an occassion

my dad is honking the hell out of the car

or maybe it seemed that way because of my nervousness

a short frame exits the door

she looks like my aunt from connecticut

just older

no cane, still has hair, holding a leather purse..

a few seconds had passed, i mustve been staring

i rush out the passenger seat and quicly offer it to her as fast i can

to get her out of the rain

she declines it in vietnamese

shes screaming in excitement as she gets into the backseat

i cant see her anymore..

but she grabs my arm from the back

and asks in vietnamese

the one question i understand so fluently

“are you canh? or bao?”

nobody ever gets us right (me and my brother)

“canh.”

my father and her exchange words in vietnamese

i dont understand much

just the excitement she has

and the calmness of my father

(continue later)

TGIF!

so many good experiences took place today

for starters

i found this in my box at school today:

vday

vday

aside from the bad handwriting (i hope you draw really well..jk)

and the candy being from mexico

i was damn suprised someone left this in my box

and since i realize there are too many possibilities of who couldve left this

a friend playing a prank, my teacher who felt miserably sorry for me, the mexican immigrant i hired in front of lowe’s on ranier, my friend from elementary school named “Im N. Telling”

it just goes on

so i wont waste time analyzing this situation

it’s merely free candy..correction

free bad-tasting candy..

the candy was like crack, its so bad..but i was starving in humanities and science so i ate one

one became three..three became six..six became twelve..

and then i cut myself off

i do appreciate it though, so if youre reading this

thanks for the corazones dulces

on another note

ive finally got in contact with my mother’s side of the family

to put in short, my mother left when i was very young, about 1-ish

i havent spent much time dwelling over it these past few years,  a decade even

which is why most of my friends dont seem to know about it

but now, 18 years from then

ive finally been able to get in contact with a member from her family

i had been searching for my grandmother for a few months now

after talking it over with my dad, i had felt an unbearable amount of guilt

from my responsibilities of being a grandson who very much like his own mother

had abandoned someone who had no fault to blame

my grandmother was not the one who left me

and there was no reason to extinguish our relationship

but i was too young and powerless of any actual consciousness to decide anything then

how many times can a single-parent raised child tell themselves

“its not my fault”

before the guilt is gone

i would never subdue myself to that extent

and rob myself of an experience that so few (and at the same time, very many)

have the chance to do

to explore life at this great of a degree

and question these meanings and experiences

and most importantly

to take everything that it means into your own hands

from what i last remembered, she lived in chinatown

and for myself, someone who spends so many hours of his damn life

walking the streets of jackson to maynard

i often question to myself when i look into every elderly asian womans eyes

“is that my grandmother? are you my grandmother?”

ive had a very deep rooted history in chinatown

from being raised in the homeless shelter at a very young age, to growing up on jackson square in little saigon in the early 90s, to experiencing the thrills and tragedies of what it means to be in a “gang” and avoiding the now terminated gang unit that patrolled the district, to getting my first real under the table job in chinatown, the list just goes on and on

and i believe that every single experience that has occurred in my past

has brought and molded me to where and who i am now

and it will continue to do so

i was able to find (or my cousin thi was able to.. thanks!!) my auntie (mom’s cousin) who now lives in dallas, tx through facebook (imagine that!)

and we’ve been able to exchange words with each other, catching up in a somewhat awkward but proper manner, and have exchanged numbers

to her and her two sisters that live here in seattle, as well as my grandmother

so i can only hope that i will recieve that call soon

although i dont know how to feel

its an exciting and nerve-wrecking moment

there has been so much ive wanted to do and say

but now that its here, im sort of at a lost for words (go figure)

BUT THATS NOT FUCKING IT!

my dad brought home a new member to the family

the un-named

the un-named

we need a name for her

please leave ideas and suggestions as a comment (;

Happy 54th Birthday Dad!

The Senior

Its been 54 years, that means you had me when you were 35. There arent enough words I can put in this post, so I wont try to.

Thanks for everything