wow, its been nearly a month since i’ve posted
i tried to convince myself it hadnt been that long, maybe one or two weeks at most
has it really been a month? time mustve gotten the slip on me
where to start, where to start..
im twenty years old now and reluctant to say so
i dont feel any different, but if i break it down into tiny bits of detail, im sure i can full heartedly (and proudly) admit to being a victim of rape…of growing up..
i’ve been raped by time.
im stuck in (a year long) line to become a full fledged adult in every respect
but im not quite there and cannot group myself as a teenager any longer
although i gave up those rights immediately at 18
people have been saying thirty is the new twenty for some time now and i didnt really understand where it had oriented..aside from sexual stimulation
or the fact that people live much longer than they did a decade or two ago (doubt this)
but part of me still thinks this is suppose to be much more than what it currently is
twenty had to be big in any individuals life ten, twenty years ago
it would be the hallmark of life..the stepping stone of maturity, gratitude, respect, and everything else
as if those in this age bracket now arent up to par..and they arent. (im an asshole)
i dont find myself being a superior figure in any regard but part of me worries that the mutual-ness of my friendships have sunken or have already vanished
im sure thats transitional within life, and i should have noticed this in middle and high school
but i had a good set of friends who didnt gossip (and partly because this is much larger than the spectrum of school)
im worried about the american quality of life
and the tangent of the ethnic-american quality of life
yes, it is a tangent..making contact at a single point or along a line; touching but not intersecting.
(i have come to realize how obsessed i was in pursuing the american dream
from being the all star quarter back in high school who dated the head cheerleader and then became prom king
to the black leather jacket greased hair bad-ass who dated the head cheerleader and then beat up the prom king
the best car
the best clothes
the best hair
the success, the tribulations, the respect, the fear, the sex, the purity
essentially being the main character of every american movie made from the 70’s to early 90’s
im not american
im vietnamese american
or asian american
just not american
this should have been introduced to me before entering school with those kinds of people i wanted to so badly replicate
because i wouldnt have drawn myself holding a white boy’s hand standing on the earth all those times
actually, we were all white
because crayola had only made the color “peach” readily avaialble to replicate skin tones in elementary school
i found it disgusting to use yellow or black
brown was too much of an amber red..native-american would be the closest, but there were none in my school
it wouldve allowed me to focus on much more important things
like shading or something?
but i am happy that ive made myself a product of the twisted oxymoronic/contradictions of early american culture) (that was just a side vent)
if thirty is the new twenty, then twenty is the new ten
and thats a damn shame
i could go on and on about how pop-culture has influenced the majority of my generation with this “fault”
but ultimately in the end, you cant blame shit on the media or the government without blaming yourself first
dont worry, alot has happened since that last month i posted
i will sit here all night until i update the handful of you who read this regularly and have been disappointed this past month
