its my birthday

not anymore

(continue from last post)

i look to my father in cluelessness

he begins to translate what she says

“ive missed you so much, do you miss me?”

…..yes

“i love you so much, do you love me?”

“………….”

im always hesitant to answer that question

as i think in my head

my other conscious breaks in

“why the hell do you have to think about this? shes your damn grandmother”

“not by blood though, i barely know this woman in all actuality”

i begin to argue with myself

all in a matter of seconds

“he does.”

my father answers for me

and im ashamed of myself

for ruining such a precious moment

over myself

a few more minutes pass as they begin to reconnect

this time i dont understand anything

ive lost myself at this point

she asks how old i am now

im excited for this one, because you know, its my birthday and all

“im twenty” i say proudly

“youre twenty?” my dad asks

my  mouth opens, this is the third year he’s forgotten my birthday

i sometimes think he is too proud to tell it to me to my face

but i guess he really does forget..

“…its my birthday”

“happy birthday..man, i dont have any money to give you”

“you dont have to worry about that”

my father tells my grandmother its my birthday in vietnamese

she speaks in english for the first time that day

“it your birthday? how come i dont know this, i cant remember” as she sighs in disappointment

i guess grandmothers are suppose to know these things right?

i feel even worse by now..

we arrive at the house, we pull up to the front door

my dad tells me to run out and open the door for her as he parks the car

we get there, i pray the door isnt locked, because i dont have the keys

its unlocked

she takes her shoes off and sets them on the mat outside of the door

“you dont have to do that” i say

she walks inside

im not sure if she heard me or even understood me

but at that moment

i took off my shoes as well

and set them on the mat for the first time

outside the door

last post before that last one

i updated you on the status of my quest to find my grams

mission accomplished

we reunited on my 20th birthday

and that birthday was the best day of my life

lets do a recap instead, i dont feel like sharing my guts on this with you

i woke up…

(fast forward to 2:30pm)

i’m on my way to pick up my grandmother from her apartment in chinatown

my last memories of her were in that apartment, i had no idea where the location of it was, but i knew it was in chinatown

and am not sure if thats the reason i have had such an attraction to the district

im sure its that and much more

were taking airport way instead of i-5

because it started raining

and my dad is a careful driver

he reminds me of it every morning

for my mile-long commute to the tukwila park and ride

where i park the car and ride the metro to school

were not talking, partly because im nervous

and him, im sure hes reluctant of this whole ordeal

Ordeal: A difficult or painful experience, especially one that severely tests character or endurance

why should this be difficult for him? what sort of tests await his character?

because this figure that we were minutes and miles from meeting

this figure, that i had been searching for these past few months

this figure, who i had felt so much guilt for abandoning

is the reason i was raised without a mother

she had told my mother to leave my father because we were broke(n)

dead broke, poor ass immigrant father with two children

ironically, that was the last time any of us had seen her

she left her as much as she left us

my dad told me he had let it go

“……………………its in the past”

we arrive, she lives in the downtowner apartments, just across from the international district metro tunnel

we park on the side, my father reminded me to give her the front seat

because that is a vietnamese tradition of respect

its still raining, i had been hoping for better weather for such an occassion

my dad is honking the hell out of the car

or maybe it seemed that way because of my nervousness

a short frame exits the door

she looks like my aunt from connecticut

just older

no cane, still has hair, holding a leather purse..

a few seconds had passed, i mustve been staring

i rush out the passenger seat and quicly offer it to her as fast i can

to get her out of the rain

she declines it in vietnamese

shes screaming in excitement as she gets into the backseat

i cant see her anymore..

but she grabs my arm from the back

and asks in vietnamese

the one question i understand so fluently

“are you canh? or bao?”

nobody ever gets us right (me and my brother)

“canh.”

my father and her exchange words in vietnamese

i dont understand much

just the excitement she has

and the calmness of my father

(continue later)

Rain, Rain

finally back, ive missed you..

yes im emo

we’re half way through the weekend

then another week of school and then KBBQ NIGHT!!!

can the three heroes defeat option b? we could barely finish option c..

Korean BBQ

“Go your own way, today. It’s not healthy to depend on someone else, right now.”

My horoscope today..

PS,

My conversion to Mac has reached 100% OS X > Windows